Contribution by Cori Dixon-Fyle on Deep Soulfull Love
“A second chance doesn’t mean anything if you didn’t learn from your first.”
~ Anurag Prakash Ray
# It is more promising if they took ownership of not only their actions, but doing the inner-work to determine why they acted that way
It is important to know what form of indiscretion took place. Does their behavior mean your values are misaligned?
One sign of hope is if the indiscretion led to open and honest conversations about the WHY.
This type of communication requires patience and compassion for yourself and the other person.
Does he truly understand the reason for which he is apologizing?
It is more promising if they took ownership of not only their actions, but doing the inner-work to determine why they acted that way.
This means not being immediately defensive or displacing blame.
- Does he understand why you’re upset about his behavior and what’s beneath that?
- Is he willing to see things from your perspective?
It does not necessarily matter whether you both agree on the nature and the impact of the indiscretion. What is more important than being in agreement, is him providing empathy and validation to you.
Moreover, it is important to see how he treats you as you process and come to your own decision of next steps.
If he is not respecting your need for space and/or time, and is seemingly rushing you, that is not a good sign.
- Is there follow-through?
- Does he follow through on his actions to figure out why he acted the way he did?
- Is he following through on actions meant to help you rebuild your trust in him?
- Does he have a “whatever it takes” attitude?
- In order to bring back trust and peace in the relationship, is he open to doing whatever it takes for however long it takes (i.e. going to therapy, taking temporary separation, etc)?
If you do decide to give him a second chance, schedule bi-weekly “check-in” conversations about the status of your relationship.
This allows for a safe and sacred time and place for the serious discussions about how you both feel about the relationship. This also then gives you time to simple be in the present moment with your partner and not constantly be observing every minute of it, trying to confirm whether this is the right choice.
This vulnerable and intentional action of connecting with each other, even when it is difficult, signifies commitment, collaboration, openness and flexibility.
Cori Dixon-Fyle, LCSW – www.thrivingpath.com